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My kid eats sticks. (And I don’t mind!)

Posted by on 11/19/2008

Ambrose eyeing his next snack!

Ambrose eyeing his next snack!

So our regular afternoon routine goes something like this: Ruby, Ambrose, and I head over to the school at 2:55 and pick Evelyn up from Kindergarten. We then proceed immediately over to the playground next to the school to burn off some energy before heading back home. Now this would generally be a pleasant experience…if it weren’t for the nosy nosy moms that won’t stop policing my baby! Now, I do appreciate it when a mom alerts me to the fact that Ambrose has found an old lollipop stem and is chewing on it, or that he is begging for head trauma by planting himself on the bottom of the slide and there are several large children heading right for him. Imminent danger– yes, please. But telling me every time he puts sand or sticks in his mouth-or even worse-walking over to him and prying the stick from his beaver-like teeth, resulting in wailing and crying– no! Tend to your own (much older) children and leave mine alone! The playground is covered in sticks and sand. It is not possible for him to be at near eye level with the ground and not put something in his mouth. There is one mom in particular who always sits next to me on the bench and is constantly fretting over Ambrose’s latest chew toy. And so I have to act like I am shocked and dismayed that he is chewing on the end of Harry Potter’s wand and rush over to him, literally every 5 minutes, and wrestle the thing away from him. Now, I know that sticks and sand aren’t the ideal things for babies to put in their mouths, but as long as he is not 1) eating garbage 2) swallowing something that he could choke on, or 3) aiming the thing straight for his eye, I am not overly alarmed. A small amount of sand or the occasional bit of tree bark won’t kill him, but the same cannot be said of that nosy mom if she won’t just let me neglect my child in peace!

I am the middleman.

Posted by on 9/29/2008

This is my first ever blog on the Franklin Family website. I am officially cementing my status a pushing 30 Gen Xer. So I thought that I would reveal to our general audience my current obsession (ie. time waster): collecting other people’s cast offs (by creepily driving through alleys and loading peoples trash into my car) and then selling them on Craigslist. This is akin to the current phenomena of “freeganism” only without the dumpsters and the slightly rotting food. So whenever the kids are sleeping in the backseat and I have a little time to kill, I drive up and down the alleys of my TAD (Thirty-something Affluent Democratic) neighborhood, looking for interesting things that people have set out for the trash man to pickup. I then spray bleach the heck out of my findings, squirt it off with the neighbors hose (we don’t have one of our own), take pictures of it, and put it up for sale on Craigslist. So far, I’ve had the most luck selling Little Tikes stuff. This stuff is the bright, obnoxious plastic kids toys that litter the backyards of many a suburban household. And it turns out that many mothers in Chicagoland are itching to get a good deal on say, a giant blue and yellow picnic table, or a round water table in good condition, with only 2 barely noticeable cigarette burns on the top. (I mean, who needs an ash tray when you’ve got your kids water table sitting right there?) I made $40 last week selling those things. I have also found that it helps to offer to deliver the goods, that way I guilt the buyer into not rejecting my stuff, being as I drove the crap all of the way out to their house and all. This week, I’ve got a dirty, cobwebbed turtle sandbox, a giant plastic country kitchen, and a large exersaucer sitting in my backyard, just waiting for their turn to be spit-shined and put up for sale.

Summary and Critique of a Victory ’04 Rally

Posted by on 11/1/2004

After visiting one of Bush’s last Rallies before the election of doom, I thought I’d post my thoughts and review the most important aspects of any political rally.

Music: 3/10
If you’re a republican, you listen to crap music. I know conservatives won’t ever be able to wrangle the kind of vast MTV support that the liberals are sure to get, but the best the Bush campaign could do was The Gatlin Brothers? These guys aren’t washed up; they never even got on the boat! And, all three weren’t even there.

Diversity: 0/10
I can’t give them any points in this category: I didn’t seen any people of color other than the workers at the ball park. I take that back, there was a couple of politicians on stage that were black.

Food: 9/10
While I did pay seven dollars for a puny hot-dog and a Pepsi, the TONS of free ice cream given away by UDF more than made up for the normal ball park fare. My stomach hurt by the end of the night.

Speeches: 7/10
Jason LaRue sucked. He’s some jock baseball player who stumbled over every line and hunched forward over his speech like he couldn’t even read it. He looked very uncomfortable. It was obvious he was tricked into coming out just to appease the Cincinnati crowd. I applauded when he left the stage. Really, the only memorable speech was Bush’s. He, however, did a wonderful job, and more than made up for the other speeakers. I once thought he was a terrible public speaker; I watched the debates. I’d just only seen his television presence. The guy is funny with great timing. His accent and straight forward style really hit home with the crowd. His explanation of the “Five most important issues” was simple to understand yet intelligent enough to make you think. His best quote was, “Freedom is not America’s gift to the world, but God’s gift to every human being.” I know I mentioned that before, but for me, that’s what Iraq and Afghanistan are all about. When we free a country from a tyrant who slaughtered at least 300,000 of his own people, we are doing God’s work.

Crowd Behavior: 9/10
I was the most obnoxious one there; yelling things more ridiculous than you hear on “Crossfire”.

And by the way, to get in, no one had to sign an oath; they were letting in anyone who had a ticket. In fact, I saw quite a few Kerry supporters inside the venue. Although, I think they realized that it would have been fruitless to try and disrupt the event, as 99% of the crowd seemed to be very pro Bush.

Pictures from the Rally

Presidential Endorsement

Posted by on 10/31/2004

The Cincinnati portion of the Franklin Family officially endorses “W”.

After two months of a reluctant and reticent “intellectual” endorsement, I attended a “W” rally at the Great American Ball Park, caught the crowd induced emotional state called “group think”, and now heartily endorse the candidate that:

1. Will not appoint federal judges who strike down laws that restrict abortions
2. Will Piss off Osama Bin Laden
3. Will defend my back wards, archaic, medieval view of marriage
4. Recognizes that democracy is not America’s gift to the world, but a gift from God to every human being.
5. Understands that the War on Terror is not just about Bin-Laden, but the security and salvation of Western Civilization
6. My father is voting for (this has nothing to do with my decision)

Do I agree with him on everything? No. But I do believe that Kerry will be worse for the United States by far.

This is not a scare tactic

Posted by on 10/31/2004

Enjoy The Draft

Nope, no scare tactics here. Move on. Dot org.

(get it, ha ha?)