I believe that a sad man in Darfur wants me to eat ice cream cones — all the cones I want. Because wouldn’t he want that for himself? Six ice cream cones a summer, if they were available at a reasonable price? Wouldn’t he buy and eat them, and enjoy them, amid the tragedy?

I believe that people who “live in misery” are capable of a full range of emotions. A prisoner can laugh and love as well as a free man. But that doesn’t mean he should be a prisoner. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t insinuate myself in the situation. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t dollop a tasty scoop of Brian McMullen’s Help on the Darfur situation.

I believe that most people in Darfur would rather not be me. I believe they’d rather not live where I live. I believe they’d rather not live how I live. I believe they’d rather be themselves. And they’d rather live where they live. And they’d rather I didn’t assume that their troubles are so huge while my troubles are so small.

I believe there are tragedies in my life that, if articulated a certain way, would make schoolchildren want to give me money. A great writer could make anybody sound like the saddest case in the world. A great writer, if so inclined, could have hundreds of schoolchildren giving a dollar each, every month, to anybody.

Does a man in Darfur want me to think about him? Does he want me to assume stuff about him? Does he want my help? Does he want help from anybody? Is he mad at me? Does he envy me? Does he feel sorry for me? Does he want me to mind my own business? Does he wish we were friends?

What would you say if you received a telegram from a man in Darfur that says, “I feel sorry for you. Here is $20.”

I’m not saying you shouldn’t give money to (massive non-profit organizations that claim to aim to) help Darfur. I’m really not.

What I am saying is this: everything I’ve said above.

(It’s okay to think aloud.)

TRUTH: I’ve expended exactly zero energy in the search for info about what’s happening in Darfur.

TRUTH: I’m not even sure what Darfur is.
BEST GUESS: Darfur is an African country.

TRUTH: I’m not sure what’s happening in Darfur.
BEST GUESS: It’s a place where genocide is happening. Thousands of people are dying there every week, and it’s absurd, and the USA could be doing “so much more” but “chooses not to.” What’s happening in Darfur is so massive and hellish that not even Oprah, operating solo, can make a dent. This is a problem bigger than Oprah. Which means it’s a giant effing problem. And the USA could do so much more but is not!!!

TRUTH: I could do something for Darfur.
BUT: What am I supposed to do, really?

ME GOING THERE IN PERSON: helps nobody. Bad idea. Going to Darfur in person not only massively upsets the course of my daily life, it forces the people of Darfur to suddenly have to deal with my presence. Oh great. Here’s Brian Neal McMullen, aka mcMüller of crudefutures.typepad.com. What the hell are we supposed to do with this guy?

ME ADOPTING A DARFUR BABY: is a pretty egotistical notion. Even war-surrounded babies have parents. But what about orphans? Is a Darfur orphan better off in Park Slope, Brooklyn than he is in Darfur? Maybe. Would I be a good enough dad? With some hard work, I am confident that I could be a competent father for any child, including an orphan from Darfur or from somewhere else.

ME SENDING MONEY TO DARFUR: Darfur is one of seventeen million places that needs between $25 and $500 from me, annually. Like Mengele, we all must select.